By Judy O’Brien
Doty resident
Note: Judy O’Brien shared the following words with friends as they commented over the weekend on a news story about recent suspected drug overdoes in Centralia.
She last saw her 37-year-old daughter 18 months ago in Olympia. Stacey O’Brien Hofland grew up in Doty and went to W.F. High School.
DOTY – The battle of drug addictions is an internal war in which those who are not users in that war can not truly understand. I can’t understand it but I do know it is the saddest and most dangerous of addictions.
Stacey O'Brien Hofland
The newspaper article said a decomposed body had been discovered in a sleeping bag off of Interstate 5 in Tumwater this past Thanksgiving day.
The average person reads that, shakes their head and moves on to another article. For the last several years I have never read those and moved on.
I would then start the search to know if that homeless and newly discovered body was that of my daughter. It won’t be necessary for me to search any longer … she is no longer a meth addict, or homeless. She is just no longer.
The story of Stacey O’Brien is like so many; it is not unique.
The lack of uniqueness is the problem our individual families face throughout our society. Many intelligent young adults become meth addicts.
Stacey was raised in Lewis County, attended our schools, had siblings, grandparents, husband, children and parents that cared. She was smart, pretty, manipulative, cunning, a convincing liar and outgoing.
These personality traits made it possible for her to appear functional while her life of addiction was anything but functional.
She has been gone from my day-to-day life for a very long time.
I had never quite got over having a sliver of hope that she would “hit bottom”. As her life spun out of control and she became more dependent on drugs she made the choice to live in a bottomless pit.
She gave birth several times over the years, and was unable to care for her children. Others stepped in and brought home a child to give them a better life. After the completion of the last adoption, she told me then she just was no longer going to fight the addiction.
I remember clearly the eyes of acceptance that looked at me to understand she could not do it anymore. I understood.
My last time with her was a step back in time, she was my daughter and I was her mom. We cried and explained how we wished things were different, explored how her life had become what it was.
As she loaded the last of her belongings into my car she hugged me, said “I love you Ma” and walked down the alley from the church parking lot back into the streets of Olympia.
She did not look back and I just stood there in tears knowing I would not see her again. It was our good-bye.
She would call me at our agreed time frame so I would know she was still among the living. I was left feeling hopeless and helpless after each call.
There won’t be a call in a few weeks and this time I will not have to look for unidentified bodies or go to Olympia looking for her in the corners of the drug world. She has finally found a place where meth won’t torment her any longer and she will no longer to be destructive to herself or the world around her.
The coroner’s office told me it was a death by natural causes. She had crawled in her sleeping bag, fell asleep and died at the age of 36. The assumption is a drug overdose that caused a heart attack.
As the words droned on I could have sworn I heard the voice of my daughter praying her childhood prayer:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
If your family has been impacted by addiction please know you are not alone. Join a support group and learn how to cope with the addict and the consequences of addictions.
There is a 24 hour / seven day a week drug and alcohol help line available; it is sponsored by the state and works through DSHS: 1-800-562-1240.
Hard to believe it’s been 8 years….
She was murdered
I have a daughter and a granddaughter both on meth. Please, everyone, pray for them. Cindy and Heather.
My kid didn’t get out, either – though hers is a different form of “death”. Word on the street is that someone intentionally gave her a needle full of something in an attempt to disable or kill her… in order to “get” her scum-bucket boyfriend (he was 34, she was 20). The damage done to her was enormous. She was so mentally ill that I had her arrested on a failure to appear warrant, thinking in jail she would be safe. None of us realized she was horribly mentally ill because she “looked ok”. She assaulted 3 times in jail, was isolated and sent to prison after 6 months, then assaulted and was isolated for the 9 months of her prison term… the prison was for the assaults in jail.
When she was released (without any mental health intervention), she was so bad, she could no longer speak. She didn’t regain the ability to speak for most of a year. But even now, she occasionally lapses into “word salad”.
She is 26 years old and lives in an adult family home…. probably for life. She was a vivacious, intelligent, A student and started her meth use in Chehalis, in Middle School. Today she is still beautiful, but I don’t know how to answer her when she asks, “Will I ever get better, mom?”
The pain addiction leaves is horrible. My heart breaks for the mom in this story, and she is in my prayers. Thank you for sharing this part of your daughter with us. I know she was a beautiful soul who did the best she could do.
These stories really get to me. I have a daughter who is supposedly clean for a few years but I fear has fallen back into the addiction. She had never really left the meth lifestyle having no home of her own and no job so always staying with friends. I finally came to understand that she is trying to get out, but meth has a grip on her that people who do not understand the drug can never fathom. She is now living in a camper surrounded by former? (sic) meth addicts. She is still deep in that lifestyle. I fear one day getting that same call that Judy received.
WOW!! It’s amazing that you have such an understanding of addiction not being an addict yourself. My sister has a similiar story..lost all 4 of her children. It’s so awful. I am an addict and was on meth for 10 years. Somehow i made it out and my life is completely different thank god!! I am blessed to be able,to work with addicts at ABHS and it gives me a great feeling of helping them instead of looking down on them and blaming etc…I get to help people who are just lije I was. I am so sorry for this this has made me cry and brought up alot of emotions for me. I won’t ever forget your story and I will share it. God bless you!!!!
WoW (((((Judy))))), touching. I have an adopted son who was born addicited to meth, I struggle daily with parenting as he is a tough kid to parent, I also worry daily that this will be his fate on day. My heart goes out to you.
Sad…Thank you for sharing Judy
Anthony Hofland, most of the people in this world should learn from this young man. Despite all, he held on to his UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for his mother, checked on her weekly. This is probably the thing that did keep her alive and going.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: ITS NOT LOVE, UNLESS IT IS UNCONDITIONED.
Very heart felt, and touching. My prayers to all related, and involved with the victim and her family.
What most people don’t know or realize is, when someone gets into the pot, meth, they feel free. Some people can function without incident or ill consciousness. Then some people should just not do Drugs, period. Mentally, they are not strong enough to deal with the guilt that can come with doing drugs. Especially when you have a family that does nothing but get on your case about it, or that is constantly up in your business, telling you how to live your life, or even a family that wants nothing to do with you “when you are using” quote un quote, or the family that is always accusing (paranoid). The sad part about this is that 7 times out of 10 the ones acting this way are either a daily drinker or a perscrip. pill popper. Pot calling the kettle black.
What I am getting at is, when the meth head leaves the children, had a perfect home but chooses to live on the street, there is way bigger and more going on then just meth. Every one likes to point the finger at the meth, and only the meth, why, because this is what the media and the law have conditioned you to believe, this is what they want you to see. My experience with drugs, and all walks of life, on and off of drugs of all kinds, tells me differently. My 30 year experience in the drug world says that, Stacie was into way more then just meth, which is why she chose to abandon all that she loved. Although she was one of the smarter ones, as to her being clean when she died, she was moving back into the right direction, just a little too late for her health. Check out the real stats on all forms of drugs, start with the so called legal drugs, alcohol, perscripts. pills, then heroine, then pot then meth. I think you will be surprised at your findings. This is if any one cares enough or is curious enough to check it out. It is not the meth heads totally that are doing all of the thieving, usually the heroine addicts, and/or the pill poppers that are the ones doing the robberies desperate for their next hit. and another thing, really meth cooks? come on, nobody cooks the meth any more, the Mexicans grow it on a rope. If people are so concerned with the problem, then start at the Doctors offices the next time they want to put you little brother/sister/cousin/son/daughter on ridlin cause of ADHD/ADD/ADH………..THAT IS BULLSHIT! JOB SECURITY FOR ALL DEPARTMENTS INVOLVED WITH THAT ONE, THINK BOUT IT, THE DR’s, THE PHARMACIES, THE POLICE, JAILS, DOC, ALL OF THEM STRAIGHT UP JOB SECURITY, FOR THEIR BETTER TOMORROW.
Any way the next time your loved one is high and reaching out you might want to think twice about kicking them out of your life, this is probably the time they are asking for help, even if it is just a hug or a sandwich.
Thanks for sharing this. I had no idea it was here.
My first husband, and father of my two only children, died of a drug overdose a few years ago. I had to divorce him over his addiction. No matter what I did, he could not stop using. I knew that our children deserved a better life, and that no man at all was better than the example their father was showing them.
I ended my second marriage to a man I loved with all my heart because of his use of methamphetamine – or rather, his refusal to even attempt getting clean. It completely changed him as a person – physically, spiritually, morally and otherwise. Ten years later, he is still a worthless piece of shit due to his addiction and the places he has allowed it to take him. Now he has children involved, which is even sadder because he can’t even take care of himself, let alone three innocent little kids. I sometimes wonder what their lives are going to be like being raised by a couple of junkies on welfare, but it is not my cross to bear.
I have had my own struggles. However, because of the people I chose to marry, and strength that can only have come from God, I could never allow my own issues to interfere with my number one priority of being a mother. I sought help and with the support of a Higher Power (God), and a lot of other people, I experienced freedom from the obsession to numb my feelings. Today I am thankful to have some serenity in my life.
I now watch one of my children making similar choices and mistakes and it is heartbreaking, but you can not force an adult to do something they don’t want to do, or take your advice. The hardest thing in the world is to sit back and helplessly watch them destroying themselves.
I feel sadness for your loss. Addiction is, as they say, cunning and powerful and it wants to kill it’s host. In your daughter’s case, addiction won. This is all too common the outcome of substance abuse. I understand how you could come to terms with your loss by understanding that she doesn’t have to fight those demons any longer and is at peace. Being in active addiction is truly a torturous state to be in. Loving someone with an addiction is almost as difficult. Losing them is a bittersweet mix of relief and grief that never really goes away, but does get better with time. I wish you, and your family, all the best.
This was the hardest time of my life. I had to watch my mom slowly fall away she loved me dearly and I seen her 2 to 3 times a week. I would always stop were ever she was staying and drive her to the store and made sure she had everything that she needed. And yes she had an addiction but she would not smoke meth or do anything with meth around me. She was so cute she would talk to me all the time and ask me how school was and how my grades were which they were good. Now it has been 2 years and I can barely talk about it to this day I am now a successful man and to look back and see that my mom is not here and that she wasn’t there when I graduated which she wanted dearly. But the worst part for me is I don’t even now how my mother died. I am the next of kin and on the death cert. It says undetermined. And it kills me inside. I will never give up on finding out exactly what happened. If anyone has any questions and wants to know the truth. Write me at hoflandanthony@yahoo.com
To Stacey’s Family~
I recently learned of Stacey’s death and was extremely saddened. I had no idea where her life had taken her but she had been in my thoughts often. Stacey and I were friends when we both attended Vader Grade School. I have many fond memories of her and the friendship we shared. We always thought it was cool we had the same name. I only have great memories of an amazingly fun girl. I just wanted you to know I will always remember her that way. I’m very sorry for your loss and for everything your family has gone through.
Stacie
Stacey Hofland was my baby sister and I have taken the time these last few months to learn what her final days were like…she was trying to gain soberness the coroner found no meth but of course pot in her blood stream. She was under a bridge because the home she had been asked her to leave days before for arguing with a lady in the building…15 years of meth or more had addled her brain literally changed the person i knew her to be. And Jc your right Ed had a HUGE part of it and on his death he will bear his burden. But Stacey was a full grown adult, a mother, a wife, she Knew better the choices were hers. I dont agree with everything Judy,our mother, wrote in this article but I can agree with this learn from Staceys mistakes change your life start today…tomorrow is not promised it may never come. Catrina (Staceys oldest sister)
JC……sometimes its better to keep your thought and feelings to yourself. Stacey was a lot of things yes we all know but she was still my mothers daugther and my sister !! And as for Ed he is also my father and you truly have no idea what our talking about when it comes to her being ”hooked”.
I knew your daughter. She and I used to date, even when she was married. As the article states, she was quite the convincing liar. I actually reconnected with her sometime last year, even offered to help her with her situation. I was still falling for the lies. I woke up one day and realized just what a mistake it was to reconnect and I said my goodbyes. Every now and then, even 15 years later, I still check up and I came across this article. Shocked? A little. Surprised? No. Am I sad? Its mixed. We had some good times but she also crushed me. My condolences to Anthony as well as you Judy. But look no further than Edwin…..he had her “hooked” for years. It is my sincerest hope he suffers a much worse fate.
-458 Stacey, for the last time.
Josie,
It brought to me many feelings when I read your note. Addictions really are battled one day at a time and thank-you for sharing with me the day. I will hope that every day you are able to find what you need to continue to stay clean.
Love and respect is sent back to you.
Judy
thank you so much for sharing your experience with me,i am a recovering addict myself and am grateful for where i am today, you sharing that story will keep me clean today, it opened up my heart and made me feel things i needed to feel today, feelins are the number one cause of most addictions, love and respect to you and your family.
I am thank-ful for the many kind thoughts and words that everyone has shared.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Your story gives a face to those who live with addiction. I remember going to school with Stacey at W.F. West. Although we did not run in the same circles, I knew who she was. Obviously, addicts do not want this kind of life for themselves or their families. Even if just one young person is dissuaded from trying meth by your story, you have made such a difference by sharing it.
This storyshows the terrible power of addiction; especially methamphetamine. That power controls people enticing them to give up family, children, friends, career, and eventually their life. Those who say “just say no” have no idea what addicts are up against.
Wow! What a powerful story…it brought me to tears. Hours later I was telling my husband to check it out and started crying again just telling him the website to go to. My heart aches for Judy…thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for sharing this. It shows one of the terrible sides of this terrible drug, and what it can do to people.